The Weirdest Thing That’s Ever Happened To Me: A Cautionary Tale

We all know those people who things just happen to.  They win concert tickets on radio shows.  They travel to a new city and happen to meet their favorite celebrity.  They always find money on the ground.  I am not one of those people, and I’ve always thought that because crazy, spontaneous things don’t typically happen to me, I’m not an exciting person.  Well, be careful what you wish for, friends.  I can say with much surety that I will never wish to have crazy things happen to me ever again.

Yesterday, my mom came to visit me.  I woke up early, cleaned the apartment, and when she arrived, the two of us went to a craft festival.  A craft festival.  Nothing about my activities for the day was asking for trouble.  My mom went home around 7, and I, being the grandma that I am, went to bed around 10:30.

4 a.m. rolled around, and I was still snoozing when I heard the door to my bedroom open.  I assumed it was my roommate, since she is in the habit of coming into my room without knocking to borrow my clothes (I wasn’t aware at this point that it was 4 a.m.).  But when I heard the door to my bathroom open and shut, I knew that something was off.  My roommates each have their own bathroom, so they wouldn’t come into my room at 4 a.m. to use mine.  I got out of bed and went into the kitchen, because I didn’t want to be in the room until I knew who the person was.  I had my phone in one hand, ready to call the police, and I was inching around the counter to the knife drawer, just in case I had to go psycho crazy on this person.  As I was peeking into my bedroom, I watched as a drunk, naked boy-stranger stumbled out of the bathroom and plopped front-first onto my bed.  When I say he was naked, I don’t mean that he was running around in his boxer briefs, people.  He was completely naked.  And on my bed.  Front-first.

Naturally, I freaked out.  I promptly told him to get off of my bed and get out of my apartment.  Looking back, I realize I should have called the police and let him sleep until they got there, but I was taken completely off-guard and just reacted.  Anyway, he wouldn’t leave.  He ran around the apartment looking for his clothes, which weren’t there.  He barged into my roommate’s room and woke her up, too.  After he ignored us for the umpteenth time when we demanded that he leave, we told him that we did not care that he was naked, we were going to call the police if he didn’t leave immediately.  He left after that.

This situation is one of those that would be funny if it hadn’t actually occurred.  It’s something that comedy writers would put into a movie, and the scene would be so ridiculous and humorous that the gravity of the situation would go unnoticed.  But as funny as this scene might have been in a movie, the fact of the matter is that, in reality, something really serious could have happened.  We were lucky.  This guy literally walked not a foot away from me while he was stark naked and I was asleep.  If I hadn’t woken up when I did, he would have crawled into bed with me.  Had he had any ill-intent, I was a sitting duck.  I firmly believe that the Lord was watching out for me last night.  My point in telling this story is that it is incredibly important to take precautions against such things, however unlikely they may seem.  1 in 5 college women is the victim of rape at some point in her college career, and 1 in 6 American women is the victim of rape at some point in her life.  As for men, 1 in 33 American men will be the victim of rape in his lifetime.  Those odds are not favorable, and you are not exempt from them.  So take precautions and lock your doors.

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